Sunday, January 22, 2006

Dear Noah:

So.....Saturday January 21, 2006 will be the first time you have spent AWAY from ME. Daddy came by today to take you for a ride in his new Saturn Vue. ....which he says he got so when he takes trips to Ohio to VISIT YOU...he can be more comfortable on the ride there..etc. AND he also did it to finance another vehicle in order to get my name OFF the loan for the car he had...which is a good thing....as I needed to have my name removed from that loan...as I will the condo...so I can be free to buy a HOUSE for us.

SO........we went to the store...where before we left you proceeded to tell me that you "needed" to go to Daddy's hotel room and spend the night. I figured Daddy put you up to asking this but apparently he did not. I could not think of a reason to tell you as to why you should NOT go....not a reason I could tell an innocent 7 year old little boy. I did not want to tell you WHY I did not want Daddy taking you off by himself somewhere.....and my fears or worries as to how he might say things to you that would upset you..etc. How he can be an ass and manipulate you.......etc. No little boy or girl for that matter needs to hear those things about their mommy or daddy even if they are true.

Was I afraid to let you go? YES ...part of me was terrified. I know the types of things Daddy has said to you the last few times he has been around you and that was even WITH ME here....so I was afraid of what MIGHT happen when he had you alone in his hotel room. Daddy also does not really know how to DEAL sometimes with you and your autism....always still relying on me to help you calm down if you have a "moment". Daddy does not know enough about you to know what you might like to eat or why. Daddy seems to have to be walked through everything step by step as far as feeding you, clothing you, everything. I guess cause he never really involved himself a lot with your personal cares.

Anyway......because I could not think of a reason I could use to tell you as to why you could NOT go I let you. I packed you an overnight bag....and showed you what was in it and why. I explained RULES for you while gone. I looked at you standing so excited at the doorway and said out loud before I caught myself "I don't know what I will do here without you" which prompted you to come over to me......almost in tears....and place my cheeks of my face between your cupped hands and say to me "mommy....I will just be gone for ONE night...and then I will be back tomorrow and you can see me tomorrow" and you kissed me and hugged me. I acted like this was a fabulous idea even though I felt part of me was being torn away from me forever.

I hugged you back and kissed you and told you to have a fabulous time. I told your daddy if he pulled any stunts like he had been one more time with you...that I would do whatever is necessary to make sure he did not ever see you again unsupervised.

Not even halfway to the hotel you had daddy dial my number to call me. You wanted to make sure mommy was not sad. Once you heard I was fine ....you were more excited to continue your journey to the hotel.

Once we hung up the phone I bawled like a baby. Worried for you....but also at a loss as you were no longer here. The FIRST TIME in SEVEN YEARS I have ever been separated from you for anything.....for an entire day let alone overnight..etc.

I also started to feel bad as I had made a word to myself that I would not let daddy take you on unsupervised visits anywhere and I broke my word by allowing you to go. However...I also know legally I can do nothing to stop him from his visitation with you as legally he has every right to seeing you and having you every other weekend. Something that I will have to accept and get over whether I like it or not.

I realized I HAVE TO LET you go more often to things you might want to. This is good for any child to learn that kind of independence and no fear of being away from MOMMY or daddy. It is especially good for an autistic child. I can see where I have been very over protective because of your autism and afraid of what MIGHT happen if you were in someone else's care that I just never allowed that scenario to come up. This is not healthy for any child I suppose let alone an autistic child. It is my job as a parent to bring you up so you can be independent one day and not dependent on others for your care and emotional well being. I can't make myself a crutch for you forever. I cannot hold you back. I have to prepare you for the world one day on your own if I am a good parent. I have to accept that YOU are only mine for a very short time and are never really mine at all.....you are your own person with your own thoughts, desires and wishes...and you should WANT to have your own life....not one that just revolves around Mommy.

So.......you called later before bedtime to tell me goodnight. You sounded like all was well and you were having such a good time. I felt more at ease and better about my decision to let you go.

I did not get anything accomplished here in the house like I could have with you gone. I found the house disturbingly quiet and eerie with you not here. I was definitely at a loss.

I did finally sleep .......and this morning you called again.....all happy and excited...wanting to tell me that you wanted to stay there all day today......play with daddy....and spend the night again..and then MONDAY sometime come home. I decided that would be fine as long as all was going well.

So I just had breakfast. You are having a blast away from me. I THINK perhaps your daddy is trying to act like an adult around you for once....and now I have the entire house free again today and tonight...which means I could get a LOT of packing and work done.

SO.........I am still in my jammies.......coffee in hand.....feeling a tad better about my choices for you and finally realizing that PERHAPS I CAN let you go visit someone or spend the night with a cousin and not be worried or upset the entire time. The last time I was ever anywhere alone or with a friend without you would have to be 7 years ago...before you were born. ...as since I have just NOT done it.

SO I eliminated the stress of not having to move TOMORROW....but then experienced different stress by allowing you to spend the weekend with your daddy. BUT I do feel this could be a positive experience for us all....

meanwhile I am checking out some houses online that might be options to buy. I even found one up around St. Mary's Ohio near Grand Lake St. Mary's that might be wonderful. I know I know.....we don't have any family living in that area....but we would still be close enough to visit them or them us..etc.

Anyway Noah....mommy loves you to the moon and back again, forever and ever...and I always will.

Mommy

1 comment:

kyra said...

wow! so glad noah's daddy is acting like a grown up and that noah is enjoying this time with him AND that you are having a chance to spend time with YOU. it must be scary!!! and good!